The Cancer Coaster

I am blogging more and more infrequently. I apologize to those who are following my blog. My emotions are leveling out - either I am blocking them out, or I am becoming so used to the wild ups and downs that it's becoming a normal ride.

The ups and downs are still here. There have been several nights I thought mom was going to die since I last posted.

On the flip side, we have gone to Wal Mart twice. I am really glad she didn't die in Wal Mart.

Mom's article came out in the annual report for San Joaquin Community Hospital. We did the interview several months ago when she was much better. It was about the hospital and what a wonderful job they did when she had her surgery.

She got a big kick out of it. The pictures were great, and the hospital staff was kind enough to give us a disk with the photos on it. There are 90 thousand copies of the magazine floating around, so if you get a chance, check it out. She looked awesome.

As for reality, mom is still slowly going down. Some days are good days, some are bad, but her good days now are like her bad days a few months ago.

I would like to thank everyone who has responded to this blog. The comments don't pop up, you have to click on the "comments" button below each post to read them.

I suggest you do. People have shared some very telling and emotional experiences with cancer and other illnesses. They make me feel like I'm not alone.

Thanks again.

Mom isn't doing so Hot

This one will be quick and not very funny. Actually, not funny at all.

Mom is very, very weak. She won't eat. I am very worried. I know we have been on a hundred roller coaster rides since this started, but I never know which one is the grand finale.

I had to lift her into bed tonight. She can only walk with a walker, and that is shaky.

I had a terrible dream last night that she was face down in the bathtub full of water and I couldn't pull her out. I think that's a metaphor of how I feel right now.

She says she just feels weak. No depression. No 'bucket list'. Just tired and some pain, which we try to mask with meds.

I didn't blog for 14 days. That was a good thing - because things were pretty good. In fact, just a week ago we were talking about how that was the best she had been since they removed the colon cancer in November. But now the liver cancer is taking over.

Liver cancer is a twisted tease of a cancer. Good one day, bed-ridden the next, then back up again... or at least that is our experience.

I told her I would be staying in with her all weekend.

"Maybe we can go for a walk," she said. I told her if she was up to it. We both agreed she probably wouldn't be.

I took the picture in this blog a few minutes ago. She didn't wake when the flash went off. I hope it's not mom's last picture.

Mums the Word When it Comes to Mom

Mom lied to me.

My husband and I spent two nights away on a much-needed mini-vacation. Mom has a friend who is a registered nurse and she came to the house and stayed one night. Our close friends Robert and Randy called and checked on mom.

While I was away she told me she was fine. She sounded fine. She also told our friends she was fine as well.

When I got home I found mom was not fine. She was, and is, very weak and can hardly eat. I understand she didn't want me to worry, and didn't want to impose on our friends, but I wish she had.

When I asked her why she wasn't honest about her condition, she replied, "There's nothing anyone can do anyway."

I guess she's right, but it is my right as a daughter to share the burden of her pain.


This afternoon she got stuck lying down on the couch and couldn't get up without my help. She didn't eat the peanut butter and sweet pickle sandwich I made her, either. I know what you are thinking, but that's what she likes and what she asked for.

She doesn't have a fever, and the thrush is nearly gone. This time it's weakness, stomach pain and pain when she breathes deep. Always something new and exciting.

For mom, there will be no walks for now, no going to the store. But when she eats the sandwich I know she will be feeling better. I will keep you posted.

A Fungus Among Us

We have a new hobby: Getting mom out of the house. Hospice dropped off a wheelchair-type contraption (all four wheels are small and someone has to push it). This has opened up a whole new world for us. Ahh, the great outdoors!

I want to shed some pounds and mom wants to shed some boredom, so now we go walking. We have gone to C.A.L.M., the Park at Riverwalk, and yesterday, the bluffs. We go just for about an hour each time, not too much at once. She says it makes her feel more alive. She just sits and rides, and I push. She looks forward to this time.

So, I knew something was really wrong when I came home from work today and she said she didn't want to go walking. Then, she stuck out her tongue. It was covered in a thick, white, pasty-looking coating. It was pretty gross and sad all at the same time.

"I think I have thrush," she said. It is clear, she does.

Mom says it hurts to eat. She told me that when she was working as a nurse one of her patients had thrush so bad he cound barely eat anything. At first, I wasn't too worried. But then, being the reporter that I am, I investigated, dug deeper, and got some answers about this thug called thrush.

Thrush is a fungus, a pathogenic yeast to be more precise. Candida albicans, it is technically called. Babies get it a lot. So do people with compromised immune systems. I say 'get it', but most of us already have it... a healthy immune system just keeps it in check.

But when it is down... it's carpe diem for those little suckers. They seize the day, the mouth, then the esophagus, the intestinal tract, and possibly the lungs and liver if left untreated. Yes, there is a fungus among us... and it can kill.

The good news is it can easily treated with anti-fungal medication.

The bad news is many anti-fungal medications are very hard on the liver.

Her liver is already the little engine that could and the medication could prove to be a boulder on the tracks.

We are waiting to hear back from Hospice about what medication they are going to prescribe. Of course, I will use my "investigatory" skills to make sure it isn't a liver slayer before she takes it. I trust the docs, but getting a second opinion never hurt (especially when it's my opinion).

In the meantime, the Mayo Clinic website recommends gargling with warm salt water and taking garlic pills. Yes, I checked, the garlic won't hurt the liver.

She can't gargle because she says she will throw up. I made her the concoction and told her just to swish. She swished just once. But she did take the garlic.

I have to honest, right now I am kind of pissed off. Not at her, of course, but at these stupid little microbes. Cancer, Candida, it's all crappy.