This one will be quick and not very funny. Actually, not funny at all.
Mom is very, very weak. She won't eat. I am very worried. I know we have been on a hundred roller coaster rides since this started, but I never know which one is the grand finale.
I had to lift her into bed tonight. She can only walk with a walker, and that is shaky.
I had a terrible dream last night that she was face down in the bathtub full of water and I couldn't pull her out. I think that's a metaphor of how I feel right now.
She says she just feels weak. No depression. No 'bucket list'. Just tired and some pain, which we try to mask with meds.
I didn't blog for 14 days. That was a good thing - because things were pretty good. In fact, just a week ago we were talking about how that was the best she had been since they removed the colon cancer in November. But now the liver cancer is taking over.
Liver cancer is a twisted tease of a cancer. Good one day, bed-ridden the next, then back up again... or at least that is our experience.
I told her I would be staying in with her all weekend.
"Maybe we can go for a walk," she said. I told her if she was up to it. We both agreed she probably wouldn't be.
I took the picture in this blog a few minutes ago. She didn't wake when the flash went off. I hope it's not mom's last picture.
It's a peaceful photo. This is a peaceful blog post from you. Yet, there is a lot of hurt and caring under the surface of your words. So much familial love.
ReplyDeleteHow devastatingly hard this must all be for you. Your strength and dedication is to be admired. Both you and your mom will be in my thoughts. Please give her my best. Gigi
ReplyDeleteAs difficult as it must be, thank you for sharing your blog. You've inspired me to start my own. Wishing you & your mom nothing but the best and keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteEmily, I know that I don't know you, but our husbands work together. I have been following your blog since you started. I just went throught the same thing execpt my dad lost his fight to lung cancer. I was my dad's care giver for 5 years. My dad also was very strong and fought very hard till the very end. In fact I quit my job the year before he passed away. (and I would quit to spend the time I did all over again)in fact my dad passed away in aug. last year and my mother-n-law passed away in Jan this year and both were on hospic and I took care of both of them.ng I have every gone through. I wish that I would have started a blog like you maybe it would have helped. I felt like I all along. Please, and I know you hear this from alot of people but please if you need to talk or just let off some steam please call me. Your husband as our number. I will be thinking of you as always and keep you in my prays.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kimber. Five years is a long time, so you understand. I was aware of your story through my husband and I am so sorry for you loss. I think it will be the hardest for me once she passes because right now my life revolves around her - as you understand. Thanks again.
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