I Don't Even Know What To Call This One

I last blogged last Tuesday - Wednesday mom crashed. Bad. In 24 hours she went from walking on her walker, to wheelchair bound, to bedridden.

Thursday morning I called the nurse, family and close friends to say I thought the end was within days. She was pale and clammy, had shallow breaths, was not eating, could barely talk and did not have the strength to even sit up.

She was fading, I was a mess. She could not swallow pills and I had to put drops of her pain medication in her mouth. The Hospice nurse came over and took her vitals and said it was time to prepare myself for the end, though mom was not 'actively' dying at that moment. A chaplain called. Some close friends stayed with me throughout the day.. I could not have done it alone - Thank you Robert, Randy & Elaina.

The Hospice nurse suggested a diaper or catheter (she already has a colostomy bag for the other). I wanted her to go with dignity, I said she wouldn't want them. She was able to tell Randy she didn't want them either. She was taking a medication to relieve edema (swelling in the legs) and it makes her pee. The nurse said stop taking it. We did.

Friday came, and she was still bedridden, but a bit more 'with it'. She was not in much pain, just tired. Very tired. We had to lift her in and out of bed to put her on the commode to pee. Mom is 120+ pounds, so it is a two person job when she can't bear any of her own weight.

I don't know what happened Saturday, but she got a burst of energy. She could sit up, wanted to eat (albeit just a few bites here and there), and wanted to be wheeled outside to smoke. I don't have children of my own, but now I understand what it may be like to have a newborn child. A really big one. That smokes. Her legs were really swollen, and she wanted to take her edema medication. She was able to swallow pills again, so she did. (Remember, it makes you pee. A lot.)

Sunday was much of the same, she was bed-bound, but stable. I was running around and unstable. Luckily, my husband was here, and on Sunday he took care of mom's failing health and my failing emotions. I hurt my back with all of the lifting. Hubby was the lifter Sunday. He also lifted my spirits. Thanks Francis.

On Monday we knew there had to be a change. I could no longer pick her up so many times throughout the day to put her on the toilet. It was hard on her, and hard on me. By this time she could stand on her own for a few wobbly seconds, but it was getting her up and down. So, we revisited the catheter option. Mom agreed, it was time. She says it makes her feel like she has to pee all the time, but it is not that uncomfortable. This morning she said she was glad she did it. She is getting more rest now.

I took a few days off during this time and went back to work today. I did the morning show, and came home for the changing of the caretaker so Francis could go to work. I had not been outside of the house, not counting the porch, in six days. It was good to be out.

I will end this here without a snappy ending because there is no ending.

But I have realized what if really feels like to think the end is here for someone you love and is suffering, and sometimes a catheter is necessary. Yeah.