Oh, Crappy Day

Mom has a fever tonight. She is sleeping about 18 hours a day, and taking enough pills to kill a junkie on Union Avenue. I need to be at home with her now - so I am taking a vacation day off work.

My emotions - upside, downside, inside out. Will the next day hold relief? Misery? Where do we go from here? It's like a poker game - you never know the next hand you will be dealt. But in this game - there is no bluffing.

I pulled the Hospice nurse aside tonight - out of ear-shot from mom. Despite the so-called guide to dying "Gone From My Sight"(included in the Hospice welcome pack), there is really no concrete blueprint, no exact step-by-step manual for death. The nurse agreed, it could be tonight, tomorrow. It could be weeks, even months (I doubt the latter).

I have said this before - but I think the end is near, or at least near-er. Obviously, death is closer than it was before.

(Sorry, I'm going to emotional here, but these are my thoughts)I know the day is not far away when I will never see her, touch her, feel her again. Forever. Forever is a very long friggin' time.

Hence, the reality, sadness, utter devastation of the absence in the sole largest part of my life since the day I was born is setting in. She changed my dirty diapers, wiped my snotty nose, fed me, clothed me, cared for me when I was sick, punished me when I was acting like an ass. She encouraged me and believed in me when no one else did.

And (at least we think) her efforts paid off. Thanks mom - I love you.

Since my mom was diagnosed with metastasized colon cancer to the liver, I have had two friends who have lost their loved ones for the same condition. They were diagnosed later than mom, and died much earlier, within several weeks.

I cherish the time I have with her, but it hurts to see her deteriorate like this.

On a positive note - mom's spirits are fine - maybe it's her solid foundation in her spirituality, maybe it the morphine - either way, she is accepting and has found serenity in her fate.

As for me, I got some counseling from Hospice today. Good news, they say I am not 'depressed', but rather going through the first stage of grief. Good - I'm normal. This makes my grief much more manageable.

Mom let me take this picture of her tonight.