My mom is a junkie.
Right now she has no choice. Suffer through pain, or take the Hospice meds as prescribed. Remember, the role of Hospice is to keep people comfortable while they die... and that means lots of drugs to keep them numb.
I am worried they are making her too numb. She was sitting on the porch the other day, book in one hand, cigarette in the other, arms outstretched with palms facing up. Her eyelids looked like heavy curtains. She looked like a monk in meditation.
"Mom, you look like a Buddah," I told her.
"Huh? I can't keep my eyes open," she said.
This can be a problem. The eyes need to be open if one is going to read, watch TV, or, as she did yesterday, use a very sharp knife out to cut celery. Nothing bad happened... her eyelids started falling and I finished.
She reads all day long. That used to mean nearly a book a day. Now it means a few pages.
"I read one word, shut my eyes, then open them back up and read the same word again," mom said. I told her it would probably take her 20 years to finish the book at that rate. She agreed.
She also needs someone there nearly all of the time. Paid caretakers can get quite expensive, so my husband Francis has basically moved in with us... he can be there for her while I'm at work, and there for me in the evenings.
Hospice said mom can handle the amount of meds she's one. But last night we decided that she is cutting back, as long as she is not in pain.
She does have a lot of books to get through.
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Reading your blogs brings back so many memories for me. Each one reminds me of the things my Mother went thru. I remember my Mom looking forward to the mail each day, and she would open the envelopes and begin reading, and in just a matter of minutes she would be sound asleep, still holding onto the letters. Needless to say, it took her quite a while to get thru the mail!
ReplyDeleteI was amazed at how dependent on me my Mother became. In one of your previous blogs you talked about how much you were looking forward to going home, but ended up staying when your Mother did not feel well. I slept on the couch in the living room for one year in order to be close to my Mom. I had tried a few times to sleep in the bedroom with a baby monitor set up, but I could never sleep. I would listen to her breathing, and every little cough or moan, I would jump out of bed to check on her. One night I thought I would try it again. I was looking so forward to being able to stretch out in a bed, but as I gathered my pillows from the couch my Mother said to me "you're not going to sleep out here tonight?" I asked her if she minded and her reply was "I like it when your close to me, I don't feel so scared". Well, what can you say to that? I put my pillows back on the couch.
I recently was not feeling well and could not sleep, so I thought I would sleep on the couch so I wouldn't disturb my husband. I got my pillows, blankets and got all comfortable, but as soon as I laid down all I could think about was my Mother and all those nights next to her. I could'nt sleep in the living room. There are several things that I am still finding difficult to get over as time goes on.